Notes from an Accidental Scholar

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Tell the Story

April 26, 2011

Dur­ing my meet­ing with my diss advi­sor last week, it became abun­dantly clear that my chap­ter is still all over the place. It opens with an anec­dote about the 1796 arrest of a pop­u­lar 18th-century car­i­ca­ture artist, James Gill­ray, along with his assis­tant and pub­lisher. I describe the event for maybe 2 pages and then imme­di­ately launch into an analy­sis of what I think it means. His­to­ri­ans aren’t sup­posed to do that. Before any dis­cus­sion of the the­o­ret­i­cal and con­cep­tual frame­work, you have to tell the story. My advi­sor says that I“m “not yet think­ing like an historian…”

See, you’re think­ing like an Amer­i­can Stud­ies per­son, which is all about the the­ory first. I need the story before you tell me about it.

For any of you non-grad stu­dents out there, you’re prob­a­bly think­ing, “duh!” But for those of us who are plow­ing the fields of lan­guage, it’s easy to get lost in the minu­tiae of writ­ing. In my last post, I included my word count to date — 39,700 — which amounts to a sub­stan­tial body of infor­ma­tion. How­ever, in that process I lost site of the story. To help me get back on track, Prof. Advi­sor sug­gested I stop col­lect­ing and read one book over the week­end: Near Ander­son­ville by Peter H. Wood.

Wood is an Amer­i­can his­tory pro­fes­sor at Duke Uni­ver­sity, spe­cial­iz­ing in black 20th-century life in the South. In the Fall, I attended a lec­ture where he spoke about his lat­est book, Near Ander­son­ville, a three-part essay about the above paint­ing by Winslow Homer. The paint­ing was unknown until it emerged in the 1960s and even after it was donated to the Newark Museum in 1966 (where it remains today), the paint­ing was kept in stor­age due to its poten­tial for aggra­vat­ing racial hos­til­i­ties in Newark. Through a nar­ra­tive that begins with the prove­nance of this paint­ing, Wood launches into the his­tory (I almost wrote “dis­cus­sion”) of Winslow Homer’s life and rela­tion­ship to the trauma of Civil War, a close read­ing of the paint­ing in the con­text of the 1860s and 1960s, and the pol­i­tics and power of doc­u­ment­ing war through the eyes of a slave woman. It’s a quick and fas­ci­nat­ing read (124 pages with end­notes) and demon­strates Wood’s nar­ra­tive strength, a skill lack­ing in my own writing.

Peter Wood is what my advi­sor calls a historian’s his­to­rian. He doesn’t muck about with the­o­ret­i­cal impli­ca­tions or dwell too long on mean­ing, he sim­ply tells the story. As an Amer­i­can Stud­ies grad­u­ate stu­dent, I’m trained to describe mean­ing. I do inter­dis­ci­pli­nary work, which means I write and research about stuff I like by pulling meth­ods from dif­fer­ent dis­ci­plines. I’m deeply invested in cul­tural and com­mu­ni­ca­tion stud­ies, so I’m trained to dis­cuss how a medium or mes­sage pro­duces and is pro­duced by mean­ing. I learned the hard way that tra­di­tional his­to­ri­ans don’t do that. At Wood’s lec­ture, my advi­sor intro­duced me to him and I asked how he saw the pro­duc­tion of black­ness oper­at­ing in the paint­ing. He flat out said he didn’t know what I meant by “black­ness” and it wasn’t par­tic­u­larly rel­e­vant to his book, he was inter­ested sim­ply in the story of the paint­ing. I felt like a dummy, an impos­tor, and that my ques­tion was ludi­crous, but why? The next day, Prof. Advi­sor gave me a signed copy (addressed to me!) of his book. She told me my ques­tion was per­fect, because it demon­strated the clear dif­fer­ence between the Amer­i­can Stud­ies and His­tory dis­ci­plines — His­tory tells the story, Amer­i­can Stud­ies tells you what that story means. This is sim­plis­tic, but think­ing about it this way helps me to refor­mu­late my writing.

So I think I finally kind of get it, sort of. My next steps are to return to the Gill­ray arrest in 1796 and report the who, what, when, where, and why. Which begs the ques­tion: are his­to­ri­ans jour­nal­ists? Am I the last per­son to fig­ure this out?

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Taking Note of Deadlines

April 20, 2011

Image from Tooth­paste for Dinner

I’ve been avoid­ing my dis­ser­ta­tion advisor.

We were sup­posed to meet a month ago, and then she resched­uled. Then I caught the flu. Then I fell behind on grad­ing for the class I’m TAing. And then I never fol­lowed up to re-schedule. Of course, in my mind I thought: she resched­uled first so I’m off the hook for resched­ul­ing, for­ever! Writ­ing a dis­ser­ta­tion as a human being makes for crazy thought-having times, let me tell you. Any­way, it’s been two months since our last meet­ing, and I haven’t pro­duced what I think I should have pro­duced in the time since we last met.

Here are my stats: Total time worked: 6 months Total writ­ten: 39,700 words Func­tional prose: 5,100 words

Yep, you’re read­ing that right. I’ve writ­ten almost 40,000 words, most of which is notes, quotes, jour­nal asides, rep­e­ti­tion, and poten­tially use­ful mis­cel­lany. At this rate, if I want to reach my goal of 250 pages (roughly, 75,000 words) I’ll be fin­ished with my dis­ser­ta­tion in 2018.

I under­stand that this will get eas­ier and go faster, and the aver­age dis­ser­ta­tion is writ­ten in 9 months once the writ­ing gets going, but I just can’t see it.

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On “Workiness”

April 10, 2011

I started grad school 5.5 years ago with stars in my eyes and a dream to teach and write among the anointed intel­li­gentsia. Now it’s Spring Term 2011 and I’m still work­ing on the first chap­ter of my dis­ser­ta­tion. I have a ton of excuses — I had a baby, dis­ser­ta­tions are hard — okay, just two excuses, but now that I’m fin­ish­ing up year 6 of my pre-doctoral career, my men­tal state is shift­ing from gen­eral anx­i­ety to sheer panic. Throw in some despair about the aca­d­e­mic job mar­ket and you can see how hid­ing under my blan­ket, in a well, under a moun­tain on the LOST island seems like a rea­son­able fantasy.

My biggest strug­gle comes from my habit of think­ing about my project, rather than within it. I found this 4-year old post on Tim Walker’s blog, What I’ve Learned So Far that addresses this very prob­lem. Walker calls it “workiness”:

Writ­ing a dis­ser­ta­tion (and, to a lesser degree, pass­ing qual­i­fy­ing exams) requires you to take fairly intan­gi­ble goals — build­ing a body of knowl­edge, con­tribut­ing new ideas to your field — and turn them into a (quite long) series of (daily, pos­si­bly bor­ing or painful) con­crete tasks. That’s hard to do. The temp­ta­tion, instead, is to keep­ing think­ing ABOUT your intel­lec­tual project, to keep read­ing ABOUT it and talk­ing ABOUT it, instead of work­ing THROUGH your project. The dis­tinc­tion may not sound like much, but it makes all the dif­fer­ence in the world. For as long as you stay “meta” with your topic, so that you’re off to one side of it, you don’t achieve real clar­ity on it, and you don’t put your guts into it. This is a tempt­ing state in which to abide, for thinky grad stu­dents who are prone to over-abstraction.

I’m hooked like a junkie on think­ing about my project. When I think/read/write about my dis­ser­ta­tion, I get a really nice dopamine fix. This comes from the inherit poten­tial of my project: I think “It could be won­der­ful!”; “It could show the world that I’m smart!” and that “I belong!” When in real­ity, the goal of the dis­ser­ta­tion project isn’t to ful­fill these dreams. A won­der­ful dis­ser­ta­tion is a fin­ished dis­ser­ta­tion. No one will think I’m any smarter when it’s fin­ished. No one ques­tions whether or not I belong, because most peo­ple are too con­cerned with whether they belong to notice. I get all this. But it doesn’t stop me from free-basing my dissertation’s poten­tial greatness.

So isn’t this blog just another out­let for a meta rela­tion­ship to the diss? Yes and no. My prob­lem is over-indulgence. If I can mod­er­ate this meta think­ing, reduce it to bite-sized, 1,000 words-or-less chunks, I think I can use “Dacia Takes Note” as a doc­u­men­tary space for the process of writ­ing and completion.

I just fin­ished catch­ing up on Nate Simpson’s blog, Project Waldo, about his jour­ney from an idea to completion/success through unem­ploy­ment, despair, and lots of videogames. He human­ized the cre­ative process with hon­esty and gen­eros­ity — char­ac­ter­is­tics often obscured or even frowned upon in acad­e­mia. The suc­cess of Project Waldo wasn’t sim­ply in his tone and writ­ing, but that his blog serves as a toolkit to facil­i­tate the cre­ative prac­tice as process.

I will write much more about the “prac­tice as process toolkit” later, for now I have worked on this post for an hour and its time to look at my dissertation.

Thanks for reading!

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